Tue, 13 Aug 2013 :: 4:47 am by Ryan and Sarah
I shared recently about our Baby J and how he/she went to be with the Lord a little over a month ago. And how God really brought me (us) through it all in so many ways. My view on so many things has changed and deepened. And I wanted to share a few of those in this next post..
I remember the day after we found out Baby J had left us I was riding in the van and I heard something about a pro-choice campaign. I was listening to Christian radio, so the show host was discussing different things related to this campaign. And it struck me deep in my core how long we had been waiting for this sweet baby to be in our lives, how quickly it left, and then how so many just throw that life away because they dont “want” it. My heart ached for my baby and I was so mad at so many people. The state of our world. The “choice” to do whatever it is we deem as okay.
I was angry. My knuckles got white on the steering wheel. And then my heart broke and I started crying. For so many reasons. And I just cried out to The Lord for help and for His love. I was an aching soul and I didn’t want anger on top of it all.
And He proved Himself worthy yet again. He came to my aid. There is a huge thing that He has done in my heart over the last few years, and especially this last month or so. I havent gotten mad or bitter at God, myself, or anyone else regarding Baby J. I had all the “reasons” to hold a grudge, blame, and give up. But I never once questioned Gods intention or reason. I didnt get upset with myself and try to figure out what I did “wrong” to cause such an awful thing to happen. I just didnt. And I am SO incredibly thankful for that freedom from a potential bondage trap.
I truly believe that God began preparing us for what lied ahead about a week prior when I began having symptoms. Ryan felt led to begin praying “Thank You Lord for the time we have had so far with the baby”. The first time he prayed that I felt a pang of fear that we may be losing our precious life. But at the same time, it gave my heart such peace to see it from the thankful side of things as well. That life truly is fleeting and gone like a vapor. We don’t control it. I just got a sense of peace with the whole thing.
The day we went to see my OB and we saw that ultrasound image of absolutely nothing, I was confused at first and then it moved to understanding and then on to sadness that it was confirmed. But I wasn’t mad. I could have been upset at the doctor on call who told me to not worry, and just wait for my appointment. I could have been mad at God, myself, the nurses, my doctor, my diet, my holistic medicines, anything. But I wasn’t. God had done a beautiful job preparing both me and Ryan.
But my heart still ached. And aches.
I havent cried in over a week probably. But now its been two days in a row. Satan tries to make me feel bad. Saying I should be over it, or why am I doing so well. Its always the opposite that I’m feeling. But he wont win. I know God has a bigger plan for it all. I trust that. It doesnt make it a lot easier, but I do have peace.
Emet has been such a sweet big brother still. He will mention “her” often in every day life. Like making a spot for her in his blanket on the ride home. Or wanting to share some of his food with her. And he even told Ryan last night that Baby J is resting her head on Jesus’ lap “like this” (and he showed Ryan). Instant tears when Ryan told me that one! Its just a beautiful picutre of accepting things as they are and making the best of it. Knowing that Jesus is holding our sweet child is wonderful.
This morning, as I was crying again, I just pictured Baby J with “her” head on Jesus’ lap. And I wanted so badly to see her hair. To touch it. To see what she looks like right now. Where she is. And that distance just broke my heart. There is still a lot of healing to take place, but God will see us through it.
Please dont take your children for granted. Or your pregnancies. You are not guaranteed tonight oreven tomorrow. And I get that now.
Thanks for reading. Blessings.